Best 181 Funny Quotes

Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken.

@Bill Dodds

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labor day

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

@Jerry Seinfeld

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fear

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

@Jerry Seinfeld

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short

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

@Mae West

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short

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

@Woody Allen

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death fear short

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

@Dr. Seuss

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identity short

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

@E. B. White

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Remember happiness doesn't depend on who you are or what you have; it depends solely upon what you think.

@Dale Carnegie

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short

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

@Groucho Marx

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short

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

@Lily Tomlin

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short

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

@Tom Clancy

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short

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

@Mae West

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short

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

@Terry Pratchett

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experience short

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!

@Hunter S. Thompson

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death

No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten.

@Hunter S. Thompson

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The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.

@Jay McInerney

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short

I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.

@Plutarch

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short

The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well.

@Jarod Kintz

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friends mistreated

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

@Albert Einstein

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short stupidity

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

@Mark Twain

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procrastination short

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

@Groucho Marx

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books short

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

@Steve Martin

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obvious short

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

@Jim Henson

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short stupidity uneducated

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

@Robert Maynard Hutchins

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exercise laziness short

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

@Douglas Adams

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procrastination short

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

@Garrison Keillor

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religion short

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

@Bill Gates

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short

The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.

@Albert Einstein

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short stupidity

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

@Groucho Marx

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books short

Reality continues to ruin my life.

@Bill Watterson

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short

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

@Mark Twain

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books health short

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

@Rita Mae Brown

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sanity

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

@Mark Twain

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heaven hell short

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

@W. C. Fields

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prejudice short

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

@Thomas Szasz

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excuse mistakes short

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

@Albert Einstein

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relativity short

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

@Marilyn Monroe

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answer short

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

@Jane Austen

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short

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

@Jerome K. Jerome

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short

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

@Mae West

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short temptation

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

@Douglas Adams

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short wit

Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

@Terry Pratchett

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proverb short

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

@Douglas Adams

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inexplicable theory

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

@Mark Twain

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short writing

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

@Groucho Marx

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short

Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.

@John Green

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lame nerd stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

@W. C. Fields

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quit short

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

@Oscar Wilde

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god men short

Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?

@Henry Ward Beecher

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books short

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

@Steven Wright

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forget forgetfulness short

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?

@Chris Rock

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power

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

@Charles Lamb

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short

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

@Oscar Wilde

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books short

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

@George Carlin

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driving short

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

@Dave Barry

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immature short

I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence.

@Edgar Allan Poe

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fools short

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

@Robin Williams

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men short

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

@Mark Twain

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men short

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

@Carolyn Gold Heilbrun

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books short

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

@Albert Einstein

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god short

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

@Mark Twain

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religion short

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

@Groucho Marx

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short

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

@Dorothy Parker

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short ugly

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

@Albert Einstein

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short thoughts

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

@Mae West

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sex short

There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns.

@D. J. MacHale

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people short

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

@Dorothy Parker

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god money short

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

@Oscar Wilde

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short

Labor day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.

@David Letterman

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labor day short

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.

@Dan Rather

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intellect quote short snob

The true snob never rests; there is always a higher goal to attain, and there are, by the same token, always more and more people to look down upon.

@Russell Lynes

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doubt goal short snob

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.

@Robert Frost

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forgiveness god short

Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense.

@Robert Frost

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forgiveness nonsense short

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

@Phyllis Diller

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advice fight short

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

@Jack Handey

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insensitive

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

@Marilyn Monroe

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sex short suggestive

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

@Albert Einstein

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short universe

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

@Jerry Seinfeld

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books short

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

@Rodney Dangerfield

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crime short

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

@Winston Churchill

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lie short truth

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

@Cathy Guisewite

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lemons retaliate short

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

@Jack Handey

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criticism short

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

@Rodney Dangerfield

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crime short

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

@Rodney Dangerfield

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affair short

What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.

@Gena Showalter

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boobs short

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

@George Carlin

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american dream cynical short

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

@Robert Benchley

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opera short

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

@Jon Stewart

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canada short

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

@Rodney Dangerfield

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halloween short

Never get into a fight with an idiot, because he will drag you down to his level and beat you with his experience.

@Unknown

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short

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

@Unknown

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short

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

@Unknown

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short

Just because you put a pretty shirt over your muffin top does not make it a cupcake!

@Unknown

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short

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

@Unknown

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short

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

@Unknown

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famous people short

I didn't trip I was just testing gravity.....ya well it still works!

@Unknown

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short

Practice makes perfect, but nobody is perfect so why practice.

@Unknown

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short

When life gives you skittles, throw them at people and yell, Taste the freakin rainbow!

@Unknown

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short

If at first you don't succeed destroy all the evidence that you tried.

@Unknown

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short

Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run away, death really hates that.

@Unknown

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short

There are three sides to an argument, your side, my side, and the right side.

@Unknown

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short

I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!

@Unknown

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short

I smile because I have no idea what is going on.

@Unknown

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short

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing there on the shore like an idiot.

@Unknown

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short

Most people use their smart phones to do dumb things.

@Unknown

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short

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

@Unknown

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short

Boy: Did it hurt? Girl: What? Boy: When you fell from heaven. Girl: Aww! Boy: CUZ UR FACE IS MESSEDDDD UP!!!

@Unknown

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short

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?

@Unknown

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short

There are three types of people, people that can count and people that can't.

@Unknown

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short

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

@Unknown

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short

The kids across the street challenged me to a water fight, so I'm currently boiling the water.

@Unknown

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short

The movie 2012 is going to be really funny when we are all watching it in 2013.

@Unknown

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short

I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.

@Unknown

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laziness short

Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway.

@Unknown

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short

Is it good if your vacuum totally sucks?

@Unknown

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short

Newscasters are the only people that tell you good evening and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

@Unknown

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news short

Last night I dream I was eating a giant marshmallow... When I woke up my pillow was gone.

@Unknown

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short

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

@Unknown

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short

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and I think to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!

@Unknown

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short

Who was the idiot that said we have nothing to fear but fear itself.......I mean like duh! Of course we fear fear, fear is fear!

@Unknown

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short

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

@Unknown

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dreams driving short

I am not insane!....I just do what the voices tell me to!

@Unknown

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insanity short

Kids in the backseat cause accidents......accidents in the backseat cause kids.

@Unknown

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sex short

Parents spend the first half of our lives teaching us to walk and talk but they spend the other half telling us to sit down and shut up!

@Unknown

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childhood parenting short

You tell me not to lie but if I walked around telling the truth all the time, a lot of people\'s feelings would be hurt.

@Unknown

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honesty lie short

Girls are like phones... we like to be held and talked to... but if you press the wrong button... YOU WILL BE DISCONNECTED!

@Unknown

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short

It's so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking... Because those men already have boyfriends.

@Unknown

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gay sex short

It takes a big man to cry... but it takes an even bigger man to point and laugh at that big man crying.

@Unknown

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short

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

@Eoin Colfer

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ignorance short

As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.

@Bill Watterson

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cynical explanation short

Creativity is a bloody nuisance and an evil curse that will see to it that you die from stress and alcohol abuse at a very early age, that you piss off all your friends, break appointments, show up late, and have this strange bohemian urge (you know that decadent laid-back pimp-style way of life). The truly creative people I know all live lousy lives, never have time to see you, don\'t take care of themselves properly, have weird tastes in women and behave badly. They don't wash and they eat disgusting stuff, they are mentally unstable and are absolutely brilliant.

@Toke Nygaard

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briliant creativity cynical

It's all very complex. Or else it's very simple. Or perhaps both. Or neither.

@Unknown

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cynical short

Sometimes there is a thing as too much therapy.

@Brett Butler

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cynical short therapy

Studio 54 made Halloween in Hollywood look like a PTA meeting.

@Lorna Luft

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halloween short

I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

@Unknown

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halloween nudist short

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

@Unknown

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self confidence self esteem self improvement short

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

@Unknown

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questions short stupidity

Being in a band you can wear whatever you want - it's like an excuse for halloween everyday.

@Gwen Stefani

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excuse halloween short

I want a real relationship; not a facebook one.

@Unknown

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facebook short

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

@Unknown

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Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.

@Yul Brynner

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men short stupidity

You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.

@Unknown

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facebook nonsense short

Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like!

@Unknown

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facebook short

Facebook: helping you spy on people one click at a time.

@Unknown

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facebook short

Have you ever thought if they added You Tube, Twitter, and Facebook together it would be called: You Twit Face!

@Unknown

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facebook short twitter

Trips to the dentist – I like to postpone that kind of thing.

@Johnny Depp

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dentist famous people postpone short

I think everybody’s nuts.

@Johnny Depp

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everyone famous people short

I’m an old-fashioned guy. I want to be an old man with a beer belly sitting on a porch, looking at a lake or something.

@Johnny Depp

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famous people old fashioned short

I’m not sure I’m adult yet.

@Johnny Depp

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adult famous people short

Being stupid is its own reward.

@Unknown

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reward short stupidity

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

@Shirley Temple

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christmas short

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

@Justin Bieber

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criticism famous people music short

I would like to kiss like Angelina Jolie.

@Anne Hathaway

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famous people kiss short

Sometimes a girl`s gotta have some chocolate!

@Carrie Underwood

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facebook famous people food short

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

@Walt Disney

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mickey mouse short valentines day

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

@Fred Allen

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lonliness short valentines day

One day you will ask me which is more important? my life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.

@Kahlil Gibran

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questions short valentines day

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend".

@Augustine of Hippo

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anniversary short valentines day

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon

@Unknown

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cupid valentines day weapons

Some things you just can't question. Like you can't question why two plus two is four. So don't question it, don't try to look it up. I don't know who made it, all I know is it was put in my head that two plus two is four. So certain things happen. Why does it rain? Why am I so sexy? I don't know.

@Shaquille O'Neal

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famous people questions sexy

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

@Dave Barry

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basketball dunking short

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

@Unknown

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annoy feelings sarcasm short wit

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.

@Catherine Deneuve

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attribute intellect short traits

President Obama is the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people.

@Clint Eastwood

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americans government presidential race presidents short

Corporations are people, my friend… of course they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people. Where do you think it goes? Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People's pockets. Human beings, my friend.

@Mitt Romney

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everyone people presidents

When you have a fire in an aircraft, there's no place to go, exactly, there's no -- and you can't find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don't open. I don't know why they don't do that. It's a real problem.

@Mitt Romney

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fight presidents

I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.

@Mitt Romney

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humanity presidential race presidents short

I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.

@Mitt Romney

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poverty presidential race presidents short

There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. ... My job is not to worry about those people. I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.

@Mitt Romney

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failure government presidential race presidents

My dad, as you probably know, was the governor of Michigan and was the head of a car company. But he was born in Mexico... and had he been born of, uh, Mexican parents, I'd have a better shot at winning this. But he was unfortunately born to Americans living in Mexico. He lived there for a number of years. I mean, I say that jokingly, but it would be helpful to be Latino.

@Mitt Romney

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americans dumb presidential race presidents

No one's ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place that we were born and raised.

@Mitt Romney

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americans dumb presidential race presidents short

I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in. That's the America I love.

@Mitt Romney

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americans presidential race presidents ridiculousness stupidity

We use Ann sparingly right now so that people don't get tired of her.

@Mitt Romney

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dumb presidential race presidents ridiculousness short stupidity

middle income is $200,000 to $250,000 and less.

@Mitt Romney

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americans presidential race presidents ridiculousness short stupidity

PETA is not happy that my dog likes fresh air.

@Mitt Romney

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americans pet presidential race presidents short

I like those fancy raincoats you bought. Really sprung for the big bucks.

@Mitt Romney

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dumb presidential race presidents ridiculousness short stupidity

We have a president, who I think is a nice guy, but he spent too much time at Harvard, perhaps.

@Mitt Romney

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college presidential race presidents sentimental short

I'm running for office for Pete's sake, we can't have illegals.

@Mitt Romney

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illegal aliens presidential race presidents ridiculousness short stupidity

But I have to say tonight's venue isn't really what I'm used to. I was originally told we'd be able to move this outdoors to Yankee Stadium, and can somebody tell me what happened to the Greek columns that I requested?

@Barack Obama

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presidential race presidents

I have to admit, though, it wasn't easy coming up with fresh material for this dinner. A few nights ago, I was up tossing and turning, trying to figure out exactly what to say. Finally, when I couldn't get back to sleep, I rolled over and asked Brian Williams what he thought.

@Barack Obama

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presidential race presidents speak

I've been called worse on the basketball court.

@Barack Obama

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americans presidential race presidents short

Feel a cold coming on? Take two tax cuts, roll back some regulations, and call us in the morning!

@Barack Obama

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americans presidential race presidents regulations short taxes

Look, when I was a kid, I inhaled frequently. That was the point.

@Barack Obama

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americans honesty presidential race presidents short

Hillary is not the first politician in Washington to declare 'Mission Accomplished' a little too soon.

@Barack Obama

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presidential race presidents short

The 1980s called, they want their foreign policy back.

@Barack Obama

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presidential race presidents short

Ain't nobody got time for that!

@Kimberly Wilkins

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no respect short

One man's trash that's another man's come up!

@Macklemore

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humility positivity self confidence self improvement short

Are you being dumb on your smart phone?

@Andy Mineo

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lyrics metaphor music short wit

Charles; looks like you have a jheri curl on your chest!

@Kenny Smith

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basketball nba on tnt short

Shout out to Asian girls let the lights dim sum.

@Drake (musician)

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lyrical lyrics metaphor short

The Park Service should be ashamed of themselves.

@Randy Neugebauer

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gop government government shutdown short shutdown

I'm really steppin up my game these bitches better start payin me for this! Can't get no more free Randy!

@Aziz Ansari

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game short

There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.

@Aristotle

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criticism short

Funny Quotes

Funny

noun

Funny

adjective